Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Holy Cheese

About 6-8 months ago my friend had discovered a dating website that she had been having luck with and she encouraged me to join. Thinking it may be fun I agreed to give it a quick whirl after she told me about "The Swiss Cheese Guy". She's telling me that this guy messages all new girls on the site soon after they join because he's got this fetish with swiss cheese and I was...strangely amused and simultaneously freaked out. Within a day or two of joining I was talking to a guy who seemed pretty cool and even HE mentioned Swiss Cheese Guy. This cheese lover is well known in the cyber dating world, apparently. At least on this site. Anyway, the text of his message to the ladies is this:

"=====Lonely-heart wrote=====
I am looking for a relationship built more on pleasure then love. A friends with benifits kind of relationship, but not normal sex, instead I would want this.

This is my fetish, full version.

I love the way Swiss cheese feels against my penis. Either as slices of Swiss cheese being wrapped around my penis or a chunk of Swiss cheese being rubbed against my penis. I love even more when a woman uses the Swiss cheese to pleasure me. Or simply wraps Swiss cheese slices around my penis and allows me to hang out with her as I wear the cheese.

I prefer Swiss cheese over normal sex as a way of gratification because of a childhood condition. I ADHD as a child, that lead to lower self confidence and mental treatment, out of which I had a hard time forming relationships.

I have a big heart, and it was crushed time and again by the opposite sex, that and a very strong sex drive, well I am lucky I never became a rapist. My fetish grew out of desperation for sex with a woman. I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections, girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more. That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls.

I tried many different kinds of cheese, but settled on Swiss as the best. First and foremost, if ever a picture of cheese is used, most of the time they use a representation of Swiss cheese. But also because of it's eye patterns, texture, and the way it feels against my penis.

so why you may ask do I want a girl to wrap it around my penis, well I still want the attention of girls, my reasoning is that it's easier to wrap cheese around my penis then it is to have sex. At least that is what I thought. That is not true, or I would get it all the time.

I did later manage to go out with girls, and had normal relationships and normal sex, and I did like to have them do my fetish for me as well, but I have been doing my fetish for so long, it's simply a part of my life now, but more so then ever presently.

The reason why is that I am a diabetic, and as a diabetic I have developed erectile dysfunction. Even tho I can take medication for it, I simply can't get sustained erections to have normal sex, just hard enough to have my fetish.

Now some may think, why not just get treatment, so I have less desire, well I need testosterone to keep my blood sugars in control, but it also increases my sexual desires, to not use it would cause me to have high blood sugars.

Now I am just addicted to it, like a smoker is addicted to cigarettes. It's like a drug, that I simple can't get enough of. Everything leading up to asking a girl, to having it done is the high, then once I cum, is the low, but the low satisfaction is short lived. That is why I like to have girls wrap cheese around me, and allow me to wear it and hang out with them, it extends the high I get from the cheese being on my penis. I would much rather know a couple girls and have them do it to me as much as possible, I simple can't get enough

Lastly I used to have a woman who I had a fetish relationship with, she would give me my fetish when ever I had an urge, she is in an exclusive relationship now, so that is why I am searching for someone again. When I had my relationship with her, and trust me she was a rare gem, I could keep my fetish in control.

So you see I had a woman that I would go to, to get my fetish fullfilled and we had an agreement that I would pay her a small fee for my fetish and I would usually see her once a month. The other thing was that she also enjoyed giving me my fetish, so the fee was just like a gift of sorts, and was not that importain to her. That is what I would like to have with you if your interested, it could be a fee, or anything else we decided to agree on. Please let me know if your interested or not, so I know to move on if your not. Thank you for your time. "

Here are just a few of my thoughts, in no particular order:
1) Are girls always used to advertise dairy? I always see cows.
2) "I'm lucky I never became a rapist"???? I guess we are too? WTF.
3) I had no idea that ADHD and Diabetes could cause such a fetish. Clearly money on a therapist would be money well spent. Should we be alerting grade schools and retirement homes?
4) This message is more polite than half of the "gentleman" I've been on dates with in the past 5 years. Sad, I know.

I spent many days and nights trying to envision this. The visual in my head is awkward, to say the least. I wonder if they talk while "hanging out" with cheese on him or if they watch TV or if it's just an awkward silence and then the magic happens? I think swiss cheese smells terrible. I wonder if that intensifies the longer it sits out on his penis unrefrigerated? Do the girls rub the block of swiss cheese on it like they would on a cheese grater? Is that how that works? That just doesn't seem appealing or comfortable to me. Is lube involved? Does he make a sandwich with it after? How big are the blocks of cheese? Is there a standard size? What were the "gifts" he gave his girl? If it's cheese I bet that's why she quit.

I have so many more thoughts about this. Just when I had almost forgotten it, a twitter friend (@Darth_Nater - follow him) made me think of it again and no doubt I'll once again be preoccupied with random thoughts about cheese for the next week.

Finally, I would like to say that for as strange and this all is, after 5 full days on the site I NEVER GOT A MESSAGE FROM HIM! I mean, yes, I deleted my page after 5 short days but...why didn't he want to ask me? I would never be into it, but, what the hell? I was mildly insulted. I got over it quickly.




  1. I LOVE THIS! There are so many fun online dating stories to tell.
    I joined Match.com for a while when I first moved to San Francisco. At the same time I joined a "youth" group at church (supposedly for 20-30 somethings".) There was a kinda creepy, likes the ladies too much kinda guy that "ran" the group who would get insulted if any of the gals that were also on Match didn't try to date him.

  2. Oh and the cheese stuff...I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole. Now excuse me I have to go clean out my dairy drawer of my fridge.

  3. Ummm....errr...I am kind of speechless at this particular point in time and have one of those 'I'm really uncomfortable' moments.
    Did he like that plasticky sliced stuff wrapped round his dong? Did he wear pants after the cheese application? Or would he waltz round with bits of cheese all over his dick?
    Oh and the smell...imagine that in high summer haha.
    I think my love affair with Swiss (in my mouth that is) has come to an abrupt halt.

  4. Oh dear me, I am still a little sickened, yet amused. Oh the slurry of humanity that appear in our lives. Im sure the DSM V would have a category for this type of disorder, somehting like lacto-sexual dysmorphia lol

  5. The final say. It is called Tyrophilia. I actually did some research on this particular 'philia'

  6. Mad Woman - I bet we could laugh for days about some of the dating experiences we've had. haha

    Dan - ROFL!! Thank you for looking into it!


  7. Retirement homes and grade schools? Alert the dairy farms. Oh sweet Jesus.

    I have many friends with funny online dating stories, but this guy? This guy takes the cake (or cheese so to speak).

  8. The cheese man strikes back!!!

    I still wonder so many things...

    1. Does he prefer swiss cheese, since it has holes, or does he prefer something softer, more "penetrateable", if you will, such as cream cheese?

    2. What kind of individual would accept that type of proposal? This guy is obviously a lunatic...I guess maybe someone with a "ying/yang" view on life? My meat goes perfectly with your cheese? Hmmm..

    3. How do you come to this type of realization? I am picturing American Pie gone bad...really really bad...

    4. Okay, so lets say this guy is at a party, and there is a cheese tray. Does he eat the cheese? Does he dump the tray down his pants and go to enjoy it hanging where it may fall? Does he make polite conversation with it? (Hello there, Lacey...I hear you're not American....) Or does he just kind of admire from afar, like a man way out of his league would do with a hot foreign woman?

    Hmmmm...food for thought...no pun intended...

  9. I'm laughing too hard to form thoughts right now. ~a

  10. I never mention my cheese fetish to gals until they're securely bound and gagged.

  11. That is fucked up but yet some how i am intrigued and amused.Good thing i do not like swiss cheese I am very nice guy Ally you could always date me.?

    love the blogs keep it up.

  12. Zibbs - good idea. hahaha

    Jeff - Thanks.

  13. I clicked through the link I added onto my blog to yours and just had to laugh at the Google ads currently running:

    Cheese Making at the Farm
    Natural Swiss Cheese

    And my personal favorite:

    Buy Cheesemaking Supplies


  14. ROFL! I know, it's worse than spam bots on Twitter!

  15. I see my husband hit you up too huh?

    JUST KIDDING! Wow, that's odd. I spent 1996-2002 online dating and boy the stories I have, I was tempted to write a book.

    Thanks for stopping by toady :)


  16. I'm going to buy some swiss cheese on the way home from work!

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