Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Like a prayer...but not

I'm pretty much an open book but there are some things I like to keep somewhat private in blogland. I try not to expose friends and family often because...well, maybe they don't wanna be online. Anyway, I thought you should all meet my dad, Father Kelly.

He's the funniest guy on Twitter (@FatherKelly). Don't believe me? This is a recent post -

@FatherKelly: It doesn't get any sweeter than giving an old lady an evil stare down while sitting in your car blasting "Welcome to the Jungle".

Check out this pic of Dad and I at a recent wedding:


Man, that was a great wedding.

Here's dad and I out at a comedy show. He insisted on dressing as greenman. I think he took pics with a million people that night. Sometimes it's hard living in his shadow. That night I finally understood why Jacob Dylan always looks so pissy.



Finally, here is a pic of Dad tailgating at the Def Leppard concert. Because nothing says family bonding like beers and Def Leppard.



Hope you enjoyed this look into my life. Hopefully the good Father won't be pissed that I plastered his face all over the blog.

PS - this is all a joke, I wouldn't post pics of my parents on here. But seriously, @FatherKelly is hilarious on Twitter and you can read more from him here: http://thatblueyak.blogspot.com/

(Huge thanks to Dan at http://janeyouignorantslut.com/ for the photoshopping!!)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Holy Cheese

About 6-8 months ago my friend had discovered a dating website that she had been having luck with and she encouraged me to join. Thinking it may be fun I agreed to give it a quick whirl after she told me about "The Swiss Cheese Guy". She's telling me that this guy messages all new girls on the site soon after they join because he's got this fetish with swiss cheese and I was...strangely amused and simultaneously freaked out. Within a day or two of joining I was talking to a guy who seemed pretty cool and even HE mentioned Swiss Cheese Guy. This cheese lover is well known in the cyber dating world, apparently. At least on this site. Anyway, the text of his message to the ladies is this:

"=====Lonely-heart wrote=====
I am looking for a relationship built more on pleasure then love. A friends with benifits kind of relationship, but not normal sex, instead I would want this.

This is my fetish, full version.

I love the way Swiss cheese feels against my penis. Either as slices of Swiss cheese being wrapped around my penis or a chunk of Swiss cheese being rubbed against my penis. I love even more when a woman uses the Swiss cheese to pleasure me. Or simply wraps Swiss cheese slices around my penis and allows me to hang out with her as I wear the cheese.

I prefer Swiss cheese over normal sex as a way of gratification because of a childhood condition. I ADHD as a child, that lead to lower self confidence and mental treatment, out of which I had a hard time forming relationships.

I have a big heart, and it was crushed time and again by the opposite sex, that and a very strong sex drive, well I am lucky I never became a rapist. My fetish grew out of desperation for sex with a woman. I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections, girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more. That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls.

I tried many different kinds of cheese, but settled on Swiss as the best. First and foremost, if ever a picture of cheese is used, most of the time they use a representation of Swiss cheese. But also because of it's eye patterns, texture, and the way it feels against my penis.

so why you may ask do I want a girl to wrap it around my penis, well I still want the attention of girls, my reasoning is that it's easier to wrap cheese around my penis then it is to have sex. At least that is what I thought. That is not true, or I would get it all the time.

I did later manage to go out with girls, and had normal relationships and normal sex, and I did like to have them do my fetish for me as well, but I have been doing my fetish for so long, it's simply a part of my life now, but more so then ever presently.

The reason why is that I am a diabetic, and as a diabetic I have developed erectile dysfunction. Even tho I can take medication for it, I simply can't get sustained erections to have normal sex, just hard enough to have my fetish.

Now some may think, why not just get treatment, so I have less desire, well I need testosterone to keep my blood sugars in control, but it also increases my sexual desires, to not use it would cause me to have high blood sugars.

Now I am just addicted to it, like a smoker is addicted to cigarettes. It's like a drug, that I simple can't get enough of. Everything leading up to asking a girl, to having it done is the high, then once I cum, is the low, but the low satisfaction is short lived. That is why I like to have girls wrap cheese around me, and allow me to wear it and hang out with them, it extends the high I get from the cheese being on my penis. I would much rather know a couple girls and have them do it to me as much as possible, I simple can't get enough

Lastly I used to have a woman who I had a fetish relationship with, she would give me my fetish when ever I had an urge, she is in an exclusive relationship now, so that is why I am searching for someone again. When I had my relationship with her, and trust me she was a rare gem, I could keep my fetish in control.

So you see I had a woman that I would go to, to get my fetish fullfilled and we had an agreement that I would pay her a small fee for my fetish and I would usually see her once a month. The other thing was that she also enjoyed giving me my fetish, so the fee was just like a gift of sorts, and was not that importain to her. That is what I would like to have with you if your interested, it could be a fee, or anything else we decided to agree on. Please let me know if your interested or not, so I know to move on if your not. Thank you for your time. "

Here are just a few of my thoughts, in no particular order:
1) Are girls always used to advertise dairy? I always see cows.
2) "I'm lucky I never became a rapist"???? I guess we are too? WTF.
3) I had no idea that ADHD and Diabetes could cause such a fetish. Clearly money on a therapist would be money well spent. Should we be alerting grade schools and retirement homes?
4) This message is more polite than half of the "gentleman" I've been on dates with in the past 5 years. Sad, I know.

I spent many days and nights trying to envision this. The visual in my head is awkward, to say the least. I wonder if they talk while "hanging out" with cheese on him or if they watch TV or if it's just an awkward silence and then the magic happens? I think swiss cheese smells terrible. I wonder if that intensifies the longer it sits out on his penis unrefrigerated? Do the girls rub the block of swiss cheese on it like they would on a cheese grater? Is that how that works? That just doesn't seem appealing or comfortable to me. Is lube involved? Does he make a sandwich with it after? How big are the blocks of cheese? Is there a standard size? What were the "gifts" he gave his girl? If it's cheese I bet that's why she quit.

I have so many more thoughts about this. Just when I had almost forgotten it, a twitter friend (@Darth_Nater - follow him) made me think of it again and no doubt I'll once again be preoccupied with random thoughts about cheese for the next week.

Finally, I would like to say that for as strange and this all is, after 5 full days on the site I NEVER GOT A MESSAGE FROM HIM! I mean, yes, I deleted my page after 5 short days but...why didn't he want to ask me? I would never be into it, but, what the hell? I was mildly insulted. I got over it quickly.

Thoughts?

~A

Friday, April 2, 2010

Quirks for days...

Since this blog is still relatively new, I thought I would share some fun facts about myself with you, my beloved readers. Vain, isn't it?

Some of the admissions below are just odd quirks and some are just tales of a misspent youth. If you have any (you KNOW you do), tell me about them, I wanna know that I'm not the only crazy, quirky person in this city.

1) When I go up steps, I count them in my head...always. I hate when they are odd.

2) Once I tried to pimp my friend Karen out to meet The Roots. In hindsight, drinking Moet out of the bottle with four large men we didn't know on a street corner in Philly was NOT the best idea. I stick with the belief that if shit went down, my street smarts would have saved us. Anyway, we didn't meet them so it was all for nothing.

3) I saw the Jackson 5 in concert twice when I was a kid (like, 5) and I cried through the beginning of the show BOTH times because they were dressed like monsters and I was scared.

4) I can't stop reading a book in the middle of a chapter. But, I will finish a chapter and then not read the rest of the book... ?

5) I sometimes like to make up stories when I'm out drinking and once had one guy convinced that I had a boyfriend in prison for murder AND that I was part African American. I'm 100% Irish but pointed out one tiny, very dark freckle. He bought it. Unbelievable. (Probably one of the reasons I'm still single.)

I've got a few more but I don't wanna give it all up at once ;)

What are some of your oddities/quirks? Let's get em all out and see where this goes. Ready? Set? Comment box... GO!

~A