Friday, August 6, 2010

We've Moved! Err...I've moved.

Please follow me at my new blog home!!

http://allybangbang.wordpress.com/

I look forward to sharing more great conversation with all of you!

~Ally

Monday, July 26, 2010

We're Moving!!

Well, Kids.  The blog is moving.  It's time to revamp and make it better.  Stay tuned for details and new posts at a new home soon!!

Ally

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Did they really say that?

Have you ever read a newspaper headline and thought "wow, no one thought about the inappropriateness of that before it went to print"?  I have many times.  Fortunately, I have a sick sense of humor and I find that such instances actually benefit me because I laugh endlessly at them.  Don't get me wrong, I can see the serious side of situations but...sometimes things are so sad, you have to laugh or you won't get through them.

Anyway, here are some of my favs:

Really?!  I dare anyone not to laugh a this.  Poor Wang.

I don't even want to know how "Stolen groceries" and "Homicide" got mixed up.

Nice, Channel 3.  Do you have the number for Pizza Hut?  I'd like to send them my resume.

I don't have much to say about this.  Honestly, I'm impressed on SO many levels!  He exploded and was released from the hospital moments later?  I'm guessing right into police custody.  And the photo really IS stunning.

Aaahhhh.  I just love things like this.  I wonder how they measure "improvement"?

I can't tell you how hard I laughed at this.  Seriously?  NO ONE thought twice about this one?  Really!?

This last one is perhaps my FAVORITE of all time.  This happened a few years back and I still consider it to be the best inappropriate headline of all time.  You HAVE to see the hilarity in something like this.

Do you have a fav that you'd like to share?  

~A

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Why is it so fun to scare people?

Why is it so fun to scare the piss out of people?  I used to scare my little cousins all the time.  We'd watch scary movies and I'd literally sit up a night or 2 before thinking of awesome ways to scare the living daylights out of them.  SO much fun! 

I can't even comment on these videos because I'm crying from laughing so hard.



When the little girls screams and runs...  OMG.  Seriously, CRYING!  HAHAHA:



I guess it's wrong to be laughing as hard at this one as I am, considering the kid was crying:



I'm still laughing.  I probably will be all day tomorrow too.

What scares you?

~A

Thursday, June 10, 2010

She's a Lady...it's science

I'm so sick of hearing about Lady Gaga being a hermaphrodite.  Anyone with 2 eyes and a 5th grade education can see that she CLEARLY has the skeletal structure of a female (No offense, Zibbsy).  This is my attempt at proving my point.  Two points actually, the second one I have firmly believed for a LONG time...but I'll get to that in a bit.

Here is the skeletal system of a man:


This is the skeletal system of a woman:

In case you didn't take Bio, allow me to fill you in on the differences between the two, as you will need to know them later in this blog.
MALE:  Narrow, robust, heavy, rough
Pelvic inlet is heart shaped

FEMALE:  Broad, light, smooth
Pelvic inlet oval to round shape
 
See?  The female pelvis is on the left, clearly.  You can most easily tell by the pelvic inlet.  See how much wider it is?  That's where the peni and babies enter and exit, hopefully in that order. 
 

Now that we have that out of the way, check out these pictures of the fabulous Gaga


She has the natural curves and hips of a female.  Notice that her panties are held UP by her hips.  Even though she is petite, she still has an hourglass figure, whereas men are usually more broad across the shoulder and narrow in the hips.  Her body structure alone is enough to convince me but I'll go furthur here in case you aren't convinced yet.


Even if I COULD see a small bulge here, you tell me....WHERE ARE THE BALLS?  So, I'm supposed to believe that she has a frank and no beans?  Yeah, ok.

If she has a frank (with no beans, apparently) how does she have cameltoe?


This brings me to the second point that I mentioned in the beginning of this. In proving that Gaga is a woman, I have also proven my long standing theory that Pink is, indeed, a man.  (It should be said that this photo is flattering to her chest because she really doesn't have anything happening there in real life.)  Notice the V shaped muscles leading directly to her narrow hips.  Any woman who has looked at an underwear model has followed that trail and they know EXACTLY what I'm getting at here.


What's that?  You need a comparison?  Allow me...


I rest my case.  There is no mistaking what's happening here.  Lady Gaga is a woman and there's a dick in Pink's skirt.

Tune in for next weeks blog topic - Do bugs have butts?

~A

Friday, May 28, 2010

Happy Memorial Day!

I was sitting here thinking about the upcoming Memorial Day weekend and how proud I am to be an American. I personally support several soldiers overseas who are fighting for our freedom and don't take it for granted for a single second.  I wish there was more I could do but as one person, I do what I can.  Anyway, then I started thinking about protesters.  I'm glad there are people out there in the world that care so passionately about the current events and legislature that shape our communities.  It's not that I don't care... it's just that I believe it should be done in an intelligent manner, and really, I don't know enough about most things to protest for them. Unless we're talking Twilight.  Then I say TEAM EDWARD!  No, but really.  Here are some examples.

Maybe you wanna consider how it's spelled before you INSIST that you have such strong feelings about Euthanasia.  Just a thought.  Not that a youth in Asia COULDN'T kill my grandmother...but, I'm just saying it's more likely cancer will, expecially since we're in America, not Asia.  PS - My Grandparents are already dead.  Thanks for bringing it up.


I can't even articulate what I think about this sign.  Well done, Mayor.  Well done.  Competition for the mayoral campaign must have been stiff.


Someone should tell this woman that English IS our official language and that there are courses at the local grade school that she can take. 


Yeah, Morans.  What he said.


God isn't supposed to hate anyone, from what I hear?  Isn't HE the one who is supposed to judge, not you?? Also, lady, maybe try to look like less of a vampire when you are persecuting others.  For the record, I bet the "Fags" think god hates you for that outfit.  Further, involving children in this kind of hate is inexcusable.  No one takes you seriously except for the other nut job extremists with your beliefs.  Also, there is a special place in heaven for the guy who photobombed this.  Awesome!


Finally, this sign is vulgar.  Have some couth for heavens sake.  She is probably a feminist too.  Man, I can't stand feminists.


Ok, I'm done.  In summary, boo for vag flashers, yay for fag loving photobombers and beware of the youth in Asia, you Morans.  Oh and Happy Memorial Day!  Go USA.

I really hope all of my grammar is correct in this post.  If it's not, don't tell me.

~A

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

My Retirement Plan

I often think about how I will spend my days once I can finally retire. My friend, Carolyn, and I have a plan to wear muu-muu's all the time and ride around together on our Jazzy's. I even looked into it and i know that medicare covers the cost. Hopefully they will still be covering the cost in 2045-ish! Anyway I have an addition to that plan which I think Carolyn is really going to love!

I think it would be awesome to get a Jazzy


Once this is aquired I think it would be super fun to go around the state, hell even the country, and jump on at the end of biker processions.  Just riding and waving behind all of the bearded, leathered bikers.


Sort of like photo bombing but not.  "Procession Crashers" maybe?  In our Muu-Muu's with our puffy white hair.  Maybe we could throw hard candy into the crowd?  I don't know...it's still in the development stages.

~A

Friday, May 14, 2010

I know it's hard to believe...

But I can be super awkward.

Allow me to share a short story with you about an experience I had with an old manager.

Manager was a really nice guy and very easygoing. I had put together a presentation for him and was going over it in his office. At one point I needed to lean over his desk to look at a report and my orange tic tac fell out of my mouth onto his desk. So many things went through my mind within a millisecond. My spit covered tic tac was on his desk, waiting for me to do something. Knowing the nearest trash can was behind his desk and getting to it would probably prolong this agony I simply picked it up and put it back in my mouth! Then I rubbed up the spit with my fingers and said "Sorry!! Pretend you didn't see that!" I was fumbling...I had literally NO CLUE what to do or say. He was cool about it thankfully and just laughed it off while I blushed and nearly died of embarassment. Why does my mouth always have to be hanging open anyway?! UGH! I think he sort of expected the craziness from me when I shrieked and carried on after a bug landed on my desk on his first day. Anyway, these things happen to everyone. Right??

~A

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Like a prayer...but not

I'm pretty much an open book but there are some things I like to keep somewhat private in blogland. I try not to expose friends and family often because...well, maybe they don't wanna be online. Anyway, I thought you should all meet my dad, Father Kelly.

He's the funniest guy on Twitter (@FatherKelly). Don't believe me? This is a recent post -

@FatherKelly: It doesn't get any sweeter than giving an old lady an evil stare down while sitting in your car blasting "Welcome to the Jungle".

Check out this pic of Dad and I at a recent wedding:


Man, that was a great wedding.

Here's dad and I out at a comedy show. He insisted on dressing as greenman. I think he took pics with a million people that night. Sometimes it's hard living in his shadow. That night I finally understood why Jacob Dylan always looks so pissy.



Finally, here is a pic of Dad tailgating at the Def Leppard concert. Because nothing says family bonding like beers and Def Leppard.



Hope you enjoyed this look into my life. Hopefully the good Father won't be pissed that I plastered his face all over the blog.

PS - this is all a joke, I wouldn't post pics of my parents on here. But seriously, @FatherKelly is hilarious on Twitter and you can read more from him here: http://thatblueyak.blogspot.com/

(Huge thanks to Dan at http://janeyouignorantslut.com/ for the photoshopping!!)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Holy Cheese

About 6-8 months ago my friend had discovered a dating website that she had been having luck with and she encouraged me to join. Thinking it may be fun I agreed to give it a quick whirl after she told me about "The Swiss Cheese Guy". She's telling me that this guy messages all new girls on the site soon after they join because he's got this fetish with swiss cheese and I was...strangely amused and simultaneously freaked out. Within a day or two of joining I was talking to a guy who seemed pretty cool and even HE mentioned Swiss Cheese Guy. This cheese lover is well known in the cyber dating world, apparently. At least on this site. Anyway, the text of his message to the ladies is this:

"=====Lonely-heart wrote=====
I am looking for a relationship built more on pleasure then love. A friends with benifits kind of relationship, but not normal sex, instead I would want this.

This is my fetish, full version.

I love the way Swiss cheese feels against my penis. Either as slices of Swiss cheese being wrapped around my penis or a chunk of Swiss cheese being rubbed against my penis. I love even more when a woman uses the Swiss cheese to pleasure me. Or simply wraps Swiss cheese slices around my penis and allows me to hang out with her as I wear the cheese.

I prefer Swiss cheese over normal sex as a way of gratification because of a childhood condition. I ADHD as a child, that lead to lower self confidence and mental treatment, out of which I had a hard time forming relationships.

I have a big heart, and it was crushed time and again by the opposite sex, that and a very strong sex drive, well I am lucky I never became a rapist. My fetish grew out of desperation for sex with a woman. I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections, girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more. That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls.

I tried many different kinds of cheese, but settled on Swiss as the best. First and foremost, if ever a picture of cheese is used, most of the time they use a representation of Swiss cheese. But also because of it's eye patterns, texture, and the way it feels against my penis.

so why you may ask do I want a girl to wrap it around my penis, well I still want the attention of girls, my reasoning is that it's easier to wrap cheese around my penis then it is to have sex. At least that is what I thought. That is not true, or I would get it all the time.

I did later manage to go out with girls, and had normal relationships and normal sex, and I did like to have them do my fetish for me as well, but I have been doing my fetish for so long, it's simply a part of my life now, but more so then ever presently.

The reason why is that I am a diabetic, and as a diabetic I have developed erectile dysfunction. Even tho I can take medication for it, I simply can't get sustained erections to have normal sex, just hard enough to have my fetish.

Now some may think, why not just get treatment, so I have less desire, well I need testosterone to keep my blood sugars in control, but it also increases my sexual desires, to not use it would cause me to have high blood sugars.

Now I am just addicted to it, like a smoker is addicted to cigarettes. It's like a drug, that I simple can't get enough of. Everything leading up to asking a girl, to having it done is the high, then once I cum, is the low, but the low satisfaction is short lived. That is why I like to have girls wrap cheese around me, and allow me to wear it and hang out with them, it extends the high I get from the cheese being on my penis. I would much rather know a couple girls and have them do it to me as much as possible, I simple can't get enough

Lastly I used to have a woman who I had a fetish relationship with, she would give me my fetish when ever I had an urge, she is in an exclusive relationship now, so that is why I am searching for someone again. When I had my relationship with her, and trust me she was a rare gem, I could keep my fetish in control.

So you see I had a woman that I would go to, to get my fetish fullfilled and we had an agreement that I would pay her a small fee for my fetish and I would usually see her once a month. The other thing was that she also enjoyed giving me my fetish, so the fee was just like a gift of sorts, and was not that importain to her. That is what I would like to have with you if your interested, it could be a fee, or anything else we decided to agree on. Please let me know if your interested or not, so I know to move on if your not. Thank you for your time. "

Here are just a few of my thoughts, in no particular order:
1) Are girls always used to advertise dairy? I always see cows.
2) "I'm lucky I never became a rapist"???? I guess we are too? WTF.
3) I had no idea that ADHD and Diabetes could cause such a fetish. Clearly money on a therapist would be money well spent. Should we be alerting grade schools and retirement homes?
4) This message is more polite than half of the "gentleman" I've been on dates with in the past 5 years. Sad, I know.

I spent many days and nights trying to envision this. The visual in my head is awkward, to say the least. I wonder if they talk while "hanging out" with cheese on him or if they watch TV or if it's just an awkward silence and then the magic happens? I think swiss cheese smells terrible. I wonder if that intensifies the longer it sits out on his penis unrefrigerated? Do the girls rub the block of swiss cheese on it like they would on a cheese grater? Is that how that works? That just doesn't seem appealing or comfortable to me. Is lube involved? Does he make a sandwich with it after? How big are the blocks of cheese? Is there a standard size? What were the "gifts" he gave his girl? If it's cheese I bet that's why she quit.

I have so many more thoughts about this. Just when I had almost forgotten it, a twitter friend (@Darth_Nater - follow him) made me think of it again and no doubt I'll once again be preoccupied with random thoughts about cheese for the next week.

Finally, I would like to say that for as strange and this all is, after 5 full days on the site I NEVER GOT A MESSAGE FROM HIM! I mean, yes, I deleted my page after 5 short days but...why didn't he want to ask me? I would never be into it, but, what the hell? I was mildly insulted. I got over it quickly.

Thoughts?

~A

Friday, April 2, 2010

Quirks for days...

Since this blog is still relatively new, I thought I would share some fun facts about myself with you, my beloved readers. Vain, isn't it?

Some of the admissions below are just odd quirks and some are just tales of a misspent youth. If you have any (you KNOW you do), tell me about them, I wanna know that I'm not the only crazy, quirky person in this city.

1) When I go up steps, I count them in my head...always. I hate when they are odd.

2) Once I tried to pimp my friend Karen out to meet The Roots. In hindsight, drinking Moet out of the bottle with four large men we didn't know on a street corner in Philly was NOT the best idea. I stick with the belief that if shit went down, my street smarts would have saved us. Anyway, we didn't meet them so it was all for nothing.

3) I saw the Jackson 5 in concert twice when I was a kid (like, 5) and I cried through the beginning of the show BOTH times because they were dressed like monsters and I was scared.

4) I can't stop reading a book in the middle of a chapter. But, I will finish a chapter and then not read the rest of the book... ?

5) I sometimes like to make up stories when I'm out drinking and once had one guy convinced that I had a boyfriend in prison for murder AND that I was part African American. I'm 100% Irish but pointed out one tiny, very dark freckle. He bought it. Unbelievable. (Probably one of the reasons I'm still single.)

I've got a few more but I don't wanna give it all up at once ;)

What are some of your oddities/quirks? Let's get em all out and see where this goes. Ready? Set? Comment box... GO!

~A

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

My apologies to anyone who is not Irish

But you really are missing out!

In honor of Saint Patrick's Day coming up I've decided to speak out against an Irish stereotype that bothers me. I hate it when people think I'm a drunk just because I am clearly Irish. Truthfully, I rarely drink. When I do, of course, I drink to the fullest. No point in getting on the train unless you are taking it into a wall, know what I mean?

Seriously though, race is a funny thing because most people think that if you're white, you have no reason to be offended. I have a pretty good sense of humor so it takes a lot to offend me, but, lately it seems like these "oh he/she must be Irish, look how drunk they are" jokes are getting a bit ridiculous. I think what REALLY offends me about it is that it's not even a clever or witty slur. Maybe I feel this way because I've recently been to Ireland and I can tell you that most bars aren't even open past 10-11pm there. Whatever the reason, what I'm asking for is simple...mutual respect. In the same way that I don't assume that all black people are lazy, all jews are cheap, and all Italians are mobsters, I expect that you don't belittle my culture in a serious way. Of course, jokes amongst friends are different. I'm not saying you have to take everything 100% seriously, sometimes you have to laugh, but I'm talking about the people who seriously believe these insane stereotypes. Closed minded, judgemental people.

Anyway, I decided to put together pics of OTHER nationalities who are clearly fans of being intoxicated to prove that it's not just the Irish. We just take the fall for everyone else. Then on March 17th everyone wants to hang out with us and pretend they're Irish too. Guess what? Everyone is NOT Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You don't see me trying to be French on Bastille Day, do you?

Exhibit A - She's Italian & Chilean AND she's a mess. Three birds. One stone.



Up next...The Hoff. He's of German descent, I think. Awesome? Yes. He's also a trainwreck.



Welp, this ought to do it for the English. I don't think I have to comment furthur here.



Not only does this Australian get drunk and have the occasional bad hair day, he gets angry. Good grief. (In all fairness, I'd be pissed too if I had that ponytail.)



I don't know what the hell Nick Nolte is. I just couldn't leave him out, he's a classic drunk.



Midgets.



There are no words.



Even Beyonce has done it



This guy right here though...he reformed...



I could go on and on with this, but, I think you get my point. In case you don't, I will re-iterate. Don't put your fucked-upness on me and my people. I'm just trying to enjoy my beer.

Additionally, if you REALLY want to know what it's like to be Irish - love and protect your family fiercely, be a loyal friend, be proud of your heritage and celebrate traditions. That's what we do. On Saint Patrick's Day and every day!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

"Giving Up" for Lent

If you're Catholic or know a Catholic then you most likely know that it's Lent. The simplest explanation of Lent is that it is a season of fasting and penitence that occurs for 40 days before Easter. Usually during Lent, a person will give up something of meaning to them, aka - make a sacrifice. Not a human sacrifice, although, I can think of a list of people I'd like to sacrifice.

Now, of course I "get" the whole meaning and significance of the whole shebang but I got to thinking...if I give up candy or shopping or lip gloss...who does it help? No one. It only makes me miserable. Now, if I do good deeds for others instead...well, everyone wins. Then I saw someone on Twitter asking for justification for cheating on their Lenten promise so I thought I would impart my own "Lenten Rules" to you guys for guidance. Because if there is one person in the world that God would choose to guide you lovely folks, it's me, I'm sure of it.

1) Giving things up for Lent can be avoided if you do at least one good deed for others per day during Lent (and beyond if you want). It doesn't have to cost anything. Help an old person with groceries or, like, if someone falls help them up BEFORE you die laughing instead of after.

2) You can forego your sacrifice on Sundays. Even God took a break on Sundays to kick back with a snickers bar and a can of coke. While I don't have photographic proof of that, I'm sure it's true.

3) If you DO wanna cheat, you've gotta make it worthwhile for humanity. Let's say for example, you gave up aforementioned snickers bars. You can have a snickers bar on a random day IF you donate the same amount of money to charity. SO, if you eat 15 snickers bars during Lent you owe at LEAST $15 to your local food bank. See what I'm saying?

4) Cut the crap. If you gave something up and caved 2 days later just be honest about it. The only thing God hates more than the whole socks-with-sandals thing is a liar. Besides, everyone probably knows you are lying anyway.

I bet now you're wondering what my good deed for today was... well, I'll tell you. It's this blog. And this public service announcement about the prevention of popped collar douchebaggery:



I know, I know...you're welcome. It was my pleasure.

~A

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I'm telling you guys...

Oh...what's this I saw last night? In a recent post I said that I believe that Stevie Wonder can see. Everyone always laughs at me when I make that statement so I gather up evidence when I come across it.



I told you so. That's all I have to say. lol

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

My Grammy Comments

Let's get right to it!

I L-O-V-E Lady Gaga but her outfits do scare me. It does, however, make me happy that she's secure enough with herself to wear them, despite what others think.

I did enjoy her initial red carpet dress...the Armani (?) solar system thing. That being said, when I saw this one, I was disturbed - mostly by Elton John's outfit - BUT also happy to see that even Lady Gaga's breasts sag a bit. WIN for breasted women everywhere!



This just flat out scared me AND the guy behind her, apparently.



Pink has a boy body and it offends me that I have to see it every time she performs. Women with small breasts probably love this though.



Where the hell has Brit been? Good to see her, even if she didn't have pants on. To tell you the truth...if I had her body (or Gaga's) I wouldn't wear pants anywhere either.



I wasn't a fan of this dress but I think it's hilarious that she dropped a Grammy. That would so be something I would do.



In closing I will say that ANYTHING is better than this atrocity from last year (or the year before?) courtesy of MIA. I'm not exaggerating when I say I wish this "dress" was MIA from my memory.



That is all for now, darlings.

~A

Thursday, January 28, 2010

MXC - Obstacles and Voice Overs

Have you ever watched MXC on TV? This show is hilarious. The voice overs are like nothing you've ever giggled over before.

Don't believe me? Watch this.



Now try and tell me you weren't laughing!?

Friday, January 8, 2010

If you haven't seen Rad you are living a sad life!

Have you seen Rad yet??



It came out in like 1986 so if you haven't then...GET WITH IT. A BMX bike movie? Sounds rad. Did you say there is a choreographed bike dance scene to the tune of "Send Me An Angel"?? Sounds really rad.

Wait, you have to see it to believe it:



Lori Loughlin should have won an academy award! I mean, can YOU do that on a bike?? No, you can't. I rest my case.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Cyanide and Happiness

I used to read this comic every day. It's inappropriate and hilarious.
Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

My buddy, Mikeyzito, even got me my own personal comic-con valentine from the guys at C&H:


Check out this short:

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

hahaha...noodles...hahahaha

Monday, January 4, 2010

Happy Birthday, Sir Isaac Newton! Now sit down.

I was sitting on my couch on Saturday watching TV while I was "taking a break" from cleaning when I saw this commercial.



Wow. I wish you could have seen the look on my face. Is anyone else thinking what I was thinking? This was clearly created by a man who was tired of getting handy j's from wimpy, noodle armed women.

And, as my friend Angela pointed out - someone should tell Physics that the "Shake Weight" created Dynamic Inertia.

Move over Newton. There's a new scientist in town. Oh, and Happy Birthday, kind Sir.

~A